What Tarot Taught Me About Loving Myself

This blog post is my contribution to the Samhain Tarot Blog Hop for 2013, themed LOVE.

The blog post lined up before mine is written by Jera-Babylon Rootweaver and can be found here   http://wp.me/p2iU80-oH and the blog post lined up after mine is written by Alison Coals and can be found here  http://alisonsalembic.blogspot.com/2013/10/tarot-blog-hop-samhain-2013.html
If you get lost somewhere between Rootweaver's, Alison's or my blog, please visit the Samhain Tarot Blog Hop 2013 master list to read the posts of the rest of the Tarot bloggers here:  http://tarot-thrones.blogspot.co.uk/p/samhain-2013-blog-hop-master-list.html

Thank you for visiting my blog whether you are a regular follower, a Facebook friend who has chanced upon my post, or you have  been linked to my blog post from any of my fellowTarot blog hop participants' posts.

We are almost coming to the end of the year.  Some of my friends from the Northern hemisphere are well-suited in their sweaters, coats, gloves and boots.  Thankfully in Singapore, I am still perspiring in the sweltering heat. However, cultural, religious and ethnic celebrations do transcend geographical and racial barriers.  So I am quite excited about celebrating Samhain or Halloween with my friends from all over the world by writing this blog post.

Why Love?
When Spring came, love was in the air.  When Summer came, love was in the air. When Autumn came, and the hint of wintry winds started to cut through the air, it did not seem like a right season to celebrate love. The malls and restaurants in Singapore had been decked out in Halloween decorations.  Did I see anything that remotely resembled Hearts and Flowers?  NO.  So when we were instructed by Alison Cross of the Games of Throne Tarot Blog fame, to write about the topic of Love in the Samhain Tarot Blog Hop, I had to admit that I was not enthused at all.  “Love!  What did Love have to do with anything during this season’s celebrations?” I muttered and shook my head in despair as I added my name to the bloggers’ participants’ list.  So I quote Jordan Hoggard here, “Wild horses can’t be broken, and with the thinner veil I'm looking forward to them galloping and traipsing around the hop in MORE places than normal. I am really enthused about this topic. And, with the thinner veil even more Lurve can come through.”  If you know Jordan, he is a little bit “Woo-Woo” crazy but oh so brilliant.  So I took his advice and cracked on with the topic as best as I could, with the aim of exploring how I could use LOVE to work on a rather difficult issue I was currently facing – Drawing Out My Shadow Self.

What Is Samhain?
Samhain is celebrated as a Celtic New Year. It marks the start of Winter, as we walked into the darker half of the year when the days get even shorter and the night gets much longer. As a Roman Catholic, I celebrate All Saints’ Day and All Soul’s Day. Like my friends who celebrate Samhain, it is a time I honour my ancestors who have long passed. As the topic for this Tarot Blog Hop celebrated Love at Samhain, I thought it appropriate to remember and honour my late Granddad.  He had been critical in teaching me the values of humility, grace, love and compassion when I was a child.  Granddad was that embodiment of love and compassion.  He was as patient as a saint and devoted his life to caring for and making his family happy.  My childhood with Granddad by my side was filled with so much love.  He taught me not to ask for more and to live in gratitude for what I had.  He taught me to deal with the differences amongst people around me with compassion.  He said we could not change people, but we could change ourselves. 

My Shadow Self
And this being the festival of Samhain, which casts a shadow upon my path as I walked into the darker half of the year, I thought it appropriate too, to explore how I could use Love as the perfect tool to deal with my shadow self which reared its ugly head when I had to deal with a personal issue recently. 

Last week, I had a run-in with someone who told me that I was not competent at a skill in spite of the fact that I had developed that skill for more than 17 years now. What upset me most was that she could not articulate her reasons why she thought I was incompetent and even “grasped at straws” to throw preposterous and unsubstantiated claims about what I had or had not done.  Upon analysis of that conversation, I realized that the only reason I was criticized and attacked specifically for those skills was that it was a response to her insecurities of not possessing the same skills and experience that I had.  Her shadow self was rearing its ugly head. However, what was even more interesting, was my assessment that when I had responded to her criticism with an aggressive defense, my own shadow self had also reared its ugly head because within me, there was a deep insecurity and fear of criticisms, alternative viewpoints and change.

After that showdown, I promptly packed up and left for a week’s vacation in the magical island of Bali and went through daily yoga studies and practice.  That was the best week ever because I came back with a rejuvenated mind and spirit to take on, not that person who criticized me, but my shadow self. 

Carl Jung said, “Whatever the form the shadow takes, the function of the shadow is to represent the opposite side of the ego and to embody those qualities that one dislikes most in other people.”
My shadow self reflected some vestiges of insecurity, intolerance to differing opinions and fear of change which I had hidden because I was taught to be strong, aggressive and formidable in the face of obstacles,

In my yoga studies, I learnt about Ahimsa, one of the Yamas or moral codes of Yoga which preached non-violence. Ahimsa opened my heart and mind to the fact that I was ultimately causing myself “violence” and hurting myself and others around me in the process because of my anger and disappointment.  I was also not practicing Ahimsa when I raved and ranted about what a stupid, short-sighted cow she was.

In my spiritual journey, I learnt the axiom “ As above, so below.  As within, so without.  So that the miracle of the one can be established.” I drew significance of this axiom to my situation, acknowledging that what appeared in outer situations, was a reflection of my inner consciousness.

 I was usually aggressive and ambitious and often approached issues with a hard-nosed, rigid and arrogant attitude as if I knew best because I was very experienced and highly skilled in what I did.  My shadow self however, embodied a very insecure person who hated criticisms, differing opinions and I was not prepared to accept changes that impacted my sense of security within my comfort zone.  When I was criticized, the first instincts was for my shadow self to respond to that criticism as I saw a negative me, being projected by the other person who had criticized me.  I responded to her by fighting back with tenacity to defend my turf because I recognized that sense of insecurity.

A Tarot Lesson In Love
With a new perspective and my openness to embrace change and the differing opinions of others, I remembered the lessons of love, compassion, humility and grace that Granddad had taught me when I was little.  So I created a Tarot spread with the intent to help provide advice on how I could use Love and Compassion to deal with my shadow.

For this purpose, I am using the Morgan Greer Tarot deck created by Bill Greer and Lloyd Morgan.

Managing My Shadow Self With Love And Compassion 
My Shadow Self - The Devil:
I was not surprised to pick this card as a symbol of my shadow self.  The Devil is a card reflecting fear, obsession, and the hidden forces of negativity to which I had bound myself to and hidden away in the closet.   My insecurities masked by an aggressive front had always been an issue that could potentially escalate to misunderstandings and miscommunication.

How can I show love and compassion to my external self? – Ace of Swords:

The Ace of Swords is a symbol of mental clarity, deep insights attained and a greater understanding of a situation or self.  In this case, if I had not been driven by my spiritual path, guided by the grace of my Catholic faith, wisdom of Tarot and the precepts of Yoga, I would not have been able to recognize how much my shadow self could leave me stuck in a perpetual pattern of approaching challenges with a passive-aggressive response.  However, recognition was not enough.  The pattern would continue if I did not take action to confront the issue. The Ace of Swords was a card advising me to cut through the problem by being more solution-centric than reactive, and not allow my responses to criticisms be dictated by my insecurities and fears.  Remembering the love, compassion, grace and humility which Granddad taught me, I am resolved to checking myself in the future when similar situations happen by calmly stepping back to re-evaluate the root-cause of these challenging situations.

If I loved myself enough, I deserved to treat myself better by ensuring that my external self could respond to future challenges with a level of dignity.

How can I show love and compassion to my shadow self? – 7 of Cups:

The 7 of Cups is a symbol of choices, some real and some illusionary.  This card had posed a question to me, “When my shadow self reared its ugly head as I responded to that criticism, were my fears and insecurities real or illusionary?”  I was blown away by the fact that my answer to that question was, ”Not sure.”  You see, when I was criticized for lacking competency in a certain skill, I responded without opening my heart and mind to the potential of learning new skills and knowledge.  With arrogance, I took it for granted that I was sufficiently skilled.  As a consequence, I did not give myself room to grow.  The 7 of Cups urged me to lend wisdom to my perspectives and discern the difference between what my real fears were and what were the illusionary ones.

If I loved myself enough, the only fear my shadow self should be having, was the fear of not giving myself a fair chance to learn more.

How can I manage my duality with Love and Compassion? – The Tower Reversed:

Recognizing that my shadow self and I would need to coexist, I had to look for a way to manage that uneasy relationship. The Tower reversed card was a reflection of my fear of change.  I viewed a criticism of me as another person’s intention to rock my boat and make changes that are driven by his or her personal agenda. That was the reason why I reacted so badly.  Instead of being opened to the idea that change or differing opinions could inspire new ideas, I resisted with my aggressive response.  I reacted with anger, disappointment and shock when I should have asked the question, “What could I do to make things better?  What could I do to learn more so that I could be of better help to you?”

If I loved myself enough, I should allow my duality to coexist in harmony by accepting changes and differing opinions with more confidence in myself.  I should see every potential change as an opportunity to learn and grow, hone my skills further, do more, and do better.

Love And Compassion

Granddad should be proud of me.  He had taught me well.  As a professional Tarot reader and Numerologist tasked to guide clients through their issues every day, how could I render love and compassion to them when I could not render myself the same?

“If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others.  If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others” ~ Dalai Lama


About The Writer:

The writer of this blog post is a marketeer by trade, and a tarot card reader by accident. She was awarded a Certified Professional Tarot Reader qualification from the Tarot Certification Board of America (TCBA) and is also a certified numerologist.  She is currently running a Tarot consultancy based in Singapore called Sun Goddess Tarot,  which provides confidential intuitive readings combining the metaphysical disciplines of Tarot, Numerology and Astrology via face to face and emails as well as readings at corporate and private events and workshops.  A member of the American Tarot Association (ATA) and the Tarot Association of the British Isles (TABI), she is also a reader for the Free Tarot Network and mentors Tarot protégés on behalf of the American Tarot Association

Website:www.sungoddesstarot.com
Email: Joanna@sungoddesstarot.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/SunGoddessTarot
Twitter:www.twitter.com/SunGoddessTarot
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Brushing My Shadow Away With A Besom This Samhain

The Shadow

Whether you have come from the previous blog post of the lovely Aisling at http://tarotwitchery.blogspot.com/2012/10/samhain-blog-hop-searching-shadows.html, or you are my regular blog reader or perhaps you may have just chanced upon this blog post, thanks for visiting my blog.

The topic for this blog post was developed by my fellow Tarot Bloghoppers  and specially themed around the significance of Samhain  or Halloween.  We were asked to explore the “True” us and get to know our “Shadow Selves” better for this blog post. 

This was an interesting opportunity to understand the Jungian theory of the “Shadow” and relate it to myself.  Carl Jung said “whatever the form it (the shadow) takes, the function of the shadow is to represent the opposite side of the ego and to embody those qualities that one dislikes most in other people.”  So it comes as no surprise, that I feel a measure of discomfort when I meet emotionally needy, highly sensitive and clingy people.   I often serve up some “tough love” towards my family, friends and clients when they face issues and find it difficult to embrace  a challenge head on or are not able to move on from a disappointing situation.   I do appear quite hard with some of them, in a bid to shake them out of their “woe is me” attitudes to their situation.   So, before you judge me for being the Tarot Ogre, this is how it all started.

The Past

I was raised within a strict Asian family who were staunch Roman Catholics.  Mom might as well have been a professional pope.  So when I went through a failed first marriage and got a divorce, then subsequently married my husband who was of a different nationality, and an atheist, Mom and Dad cut me off for years out of their disappointment in me, refusing to have anything to do with me. Independently, I rebuilt my life and my relationship with my son as I was a “weekend mother”, a position I was forced into by the custody agreement.  Those years of depression, solitude, guilt and anxiety were perhaps the building blocks for the personality of my “shadow self”.   

During those lonely years, even when Mom hung the phone up on me, I would continue to call her without fail on a daily basis, just to ask how everyone was.  When my son’s friends thought he was weird and had 3 parents, I was the one who had to hold him close and explain as best as I could that he was a blessed child surrounded by love. 

When Grandpa was frail and sickly, I was prevented from going to see him because they didn’t want an outcast in the family home.   At Grandpa’s birthday, I just drove up to the house, greeted family members who couldn’t look me in the eye, or who waved me away as if I was a leper and wished Grandpa a Happy Birthday before I turned around to leave. 

Till today, even though my parents and I have reconciled, I had never forgotten the bitterness which occasionally still welled up within me.  My heart still hurt with regret that I couldn’t spend enough time with my Grandpa during those years and soon after he passed away.  There was still so much left unsaid between him and me, but I didn’t get that a chance, because that chance was taken away from me by biasness and myopic opinions of my parents and even some friends then, stuck behind the guise of religion and what my Asian culture calls “Face”.  Any word or deed that forces me to stray from the expected societal norm and behavior would cause a loss of "Face”.
  
The Impact Of The Past

"Face” protected my "Shadow Self", and made me a hard woman, tough on myself and others.  I seldom display any semblance of vulnerability and would temper my need to be overly expressive.  I don’t give myself  leeway to seek my own personal fulfillment at the expense of “Face”.  

Any display of such intolerable “weakness” might be frowned upon by society.  I might be deemed unsuitable to be a great mother, wife, daughter, friend, marketeer, manager, and tarot reader, if I shed that mask of a super tough bitch with balls of brass, and present my vulnerable, highly insecure and sensitive self.  Society is unforgiving of people who are weak and vulnerable.  I would lose credibility with Tarot clients and protégés if they saw my insecure and sensitive side.

“Face” is a tremendous yoke around the necks of my Asian community that corresponded with Jung’s concept of the “Shadow”. It would cause an unacceptable loss of face if we were to allow our “Shadow” to emerge from its hiding place.  I am expected to not show my sensitivity and emotional vulnerability, always keeping a lid on it because I have always been brought up to be strong, sensible, and tough. If I chose to marry someone, no matter how wrong that choice was, the deal was – I had to sleep in the bed I made.  I was not allowed to change the course of my decisions and succumb to my emotional need for true fulfillment.

In fact, true to Jung’s ideas, when I met someone who acted out the behavior that I was condemned for,  I would react to that person with the same judgment.  I had judged friends who chose to quit their jobs in mid-career to travel the world in a bid to find new purpose - I thought they were weak and couldn't stand the heat of the corporate kitchen.   

 Really, did I need to be this judgemental?

The Present

When I became a Certified Professional Tarot Reader, my family and friends approached the idea with skepticism, not for the skill, but for the notion that I will never be taken seriously and possibly not treated with respect.  I do appreciate the fact that they were genuinely concerned for me.  However, I chose to further hone my skills and walked that journey with my Tarot cards because it was the only channel which took away all forms of lies, masks and other barriers to my true self.  The Tarot cards, through me, revealed only the truths to my clients.  No wonder I felt so fulfilled each time I read the Tarot and uncovered choices that my clients might make, and even helped them tackle their respective “Shadow Selves” which had previously prevented them from making better choices before. 

I often worry “But how do I explain what I do?”  This is “Face” talking.  This "Face" did show up at social events when I meet high flying senior executives of companies who may only think of a Tarot reader as the hired help, fronting the fringe activities offered to entertain clients at these events.   My “Shadow” of insecurity and vulnerability often hid between the crevices while my tough Tarot ogre self showed up, bellowing, “I am a Certified Professional Tarot Reader, I help my clients uncover right choices to influence the outcome of their situations themselves.  I am not a Fortune Teller!” 

Really, did I have to defend my gift of intuitive skills? 

Brush Off The Cobwebs With A Besom

I needed to brush away the negativity of my “Shadow Self with a besom,  so I had to force it out of the crevice  to expose her sensitive side so that when I defend my intuitive skills, it is not out of the need to defend my ego and pretend to be strong, but for the truly genuine purpose of educating the people around me about what Tarot is all about.

As we celebrate Samhain, Third Harvest, Old Hallowmas, All Hallows’ Eve, Halloween, or All Soul’s Day or whatever one might label a day where we remember our ancestors, or relatives and friends that have passed on,    I thought this might be the right time to bring out my besom.  I wanted to deal with my “Shadow” head on, so that I can move on to better help salve the wounds of my Tarot clients. 

Samhain to me, was not just a festival that honored the dead or the past.  It was also a festival that honored the future in the form of a rebirth or reawakening of values and a commitment to hold true to these values.  I wanted to hold true to my free will to make the right choices. I wanted to hold true to liberation of thought. I wanted to hold true to my pursuit for only passions that will fulfill me.

So I shuffled my Tarot cards to the question “What’s my “Shadow” most afraid of and can I sweep it away forever?”  I picked the Lovers card and the Queen of Cups from the Rosetta Tarot deck – the most unlikely pair of cards which I wouldn’t have associated with Samhain. 

However, these cards were clearly telling me that I couldn’t just sweep my “Shadow” away as it was here to stay.   It was a message for me to integrate with it instead.

 The Lovers + Queen of Cups

The Lovers represent the unification of opposites and I saw the opposites of our respective personalities within the card.  It was an integration of the “detached and tough persona” with a “sensitive and vulnerable persona”.  These 2 personas were being held apart by "FACE".   The integration of both, and my eventual understanding of how to manage each of these personalities would liberate me and help me to make right choices for myself,  governed with the balance of the head and the heart. The mirrors depicted in the card image were a reminder to me that I often see the image of my “Shadow” in others and would react to it in Judgement.  I also see the story of Andromeda and Perseus in the first mirror which reflect the theme of Liberation.  The second mirror depicted the story of the Judgement of Paris when Zeus asked Paris to choose the fairest of the 3 goddesses and Paris gave the golden apple to Aphrodite.  This mirror reflected the theme of Choice.

 How apt.

The Queen of Cups was the next interesting card I picked.  She embodies one who is compassionate and creative, yet intuitive and emotionally balanced.  The Book of Seshet which explained the Rosetta Tarot deck in detail described this Queen as one that uses her heart more than her head.   However, my experience with the deck and my interpretation of the image which depicts her looking at her reflection  in the water, have often found her one who is emotionally balanced and controlled.  I saw the balance in the reflection mirroring the Queen.  The image also reflects the Queen’s need to decide that what she sees in front of her is true scrying or a projection of her own personal thoughts.

When I put both cards together, some messages came into my mind.  They were asking me to leverage my intuitive skills to reflect deeply into the need to build rules of engagement to allow me to integrate with my “Shadow”.   She was a mirror image of myself, but there were strengths in the differences between us.   She exists for a purpose to always remind me that I had the permission to be sensitive and vulnerable at times, and I had the permission too, to hide that vulnerability when I needed to do so.  It’s only through learning to integrate with my “Shadow” that I am able to freely explore my passions, and make right choices along the way as I continue enhancing my spiritual awareness through esoteric studies.

The Lovers and the Queen of Cups cards, are telling me I can integrate these 2 personalities because they serve well for different purposes, in different environments at different moments.  I just need to be smart enough to discern these purpose and moments though.

Gemini

The twin mirrors in the Lovers card suggests the glyph of Gemini, the twins.  The twin lilies blooming in the water of the Queen of Cups card also hints to the zodiacal sign of Gemini.  So I started exploring the characteristics of a Gemini.  I think both cards are advising me to govern my thoughts and actions with the strength of a Gemini born and be consciously aware of its weakness too.

Gemini is associated with Mercury which is linked to intelligence and communication.  This makes a person born under the Zodiac sign very versatile, persuasive, communicative and expressive.  They accept and adapt to changes very easily and are compassionate about social causes, always going out of the way to help people who are in need.  They are also extremely honest and value open communication and integrity. 

Reuniting With My Shadow

Knowing the strengths and the weakness of the Gemini personalities are the cards’ advice to help me create a more positive relationship with my “Shadow”. 

That’s why, I am grateful for the cards prodding me at my side to say “Go ahead, get to know your “Shadow”.  It’s okay to bring her out from time to time when you need to cry and ask for help.  Have an open and honest discussion with her about when the right times are for her to make an appearance.  Life is ever changing.  Use her to adapt to changing situations and embrace challenges with an open mind.”

I have come a long way to finally be aware of the skeletons stored in my closet, and to accept that I do not need to fear these skeletons.  By releasing these skeletons, I will become free from this prison of a deceptive persona that I had created of myself as  a very tough Joanna.

I welcome these memories of the past as lessons that will make me a better person and a better Tarot reader to my clients.  I will not bury them out of fear and hurt because like my cards, these memories are my tools.

To further explore the notion of the “Shadow Self”,  I would like to invite you to read the post of my fellow Tarot Bloghopper Chloe at  http://innerwhisperscouk.blogspot.com/2012/10/samhain-tarot-blog-hop.html .   And if you do experience a broken link, you may return to the master list for this Tarot Blog Hop at http://amethysttarot.com/samhain2012.

About The Writer:

The writer of this blog post is a marketeer by trade, and a tarot card reader by accident. She was awarded a Certified Professional Tarot Reader qualification from the Tarot Certification Board of America (TCBA) and was recently certified as a numerologist in Singapore. A member of the American Tarot Association (ATA) and the Tarot Association of the British Isles (TABI), she is also a reader for the Free Tarot Network and is a mentor for the ATA.

She can be contacted at www.facebook.com/SunGoddessTarot or www.sungoddesstarot.com